When Your Child Loses It-featuring Dana Obleman
"Help! Every time my child gets into a difficult situation, he
totally loses it and starts screaming and crying, and is
impossible to deal with. When I try to talk to him, he just yells
at me more. What should I do?"
totally loses it and starts screaming and crying, and is
impossible to deal with. When I try to talk to him, he just yells
at me more. What should I do?"
It's a great question, and one that I know LOTS of parents
struggle with. When a young child becomes upset and irrational,
they can be very difficult to deal with.
struggle with. When a young child becomes upset and irrational,
they can be very difficult to deal with.
A client's 7-year-old son (let's call him Marco) used to have a
real problem controlling his emotions when he got angry. And
the worst part was that he would fly off the handle at the smallest
things.
real problem controlling his emotions when he got angry. And
the worst part was that he would fly off the handle at the smallest
things.
Recently, she told me about an incident that had happened earlier
that day. Marco had come running into the house crying and
screaming because his younger brother had hit him with a hockey stick.
"What? Why did he do that?" she had asked.
"I don't know!" Marco had answered tearfully. "I didn't do
anything and he just whacked me with it! For NO reason!"
"Oh come on," Sarah had said, trying to be reasonable.
"He wouldn't hit you on purpose. It was probably an
accident. Or maybe you did something to make him angry.
How many times have I told you boys to play more gently
with each other? Of course someone's going to get hurt."
"I didn't do ANYTHING!" Marco had screamed. "You always
take his side!" Then he ran upstairs, slammed the door shut, and
started throwing things around his room.
After listening to my client's story, I could see how her well-
intentioned comments had actually intensified Marco's angry
outburst. When she interrupted her son and contradicted him,
she cut off the lines of communication... and he ended up
feeling misunderstood.
Imagine what would have happened if my client, who we'll
call Sarah, had used a different tactic:
that day. Marco had come running into the house crying and
screaming because his younger brother had hit him with a hockey stick.
"What? Why did he do that?" she had asked.
"I don't know!" Marco had answered tearfully. "I didn't do
anything and he just whacked me with it! For NO reason!"
"Oh come on," Sarah had said, trying to be reasonable.
"He wouldn't hit you on purpose. It was probably an
accident. Or maybe you did something to make him angry.
How many times have I told you boys to play more gently
with each other? Of course someone's going to get hurt."
"I didn't do ANYTHING!" Marco had screamed. "You always
take his side!" Then he ran upstairs, slammed the door shut, and
started throwing things around his room.
After listening to my client's story, I could see how her well-
intentioned comments had actually intensified Marco's angry
outburst. When she interrupted her son and contradicted him,
she cut off the lines of communication... and he ended up
feeling misunderstood.
Imagine what would have happened if my client, who we'll
call Sarah, had used a different tactic:
Marco comes into the house, crying.
"Oh no!" Sarah says. "Are you okay?"
Marco shakes his head, and points to his leg. "Simon hit
me with his hockey stick for no reason!"
me with his hockey stick for no reason!"
Sarah comes over to take a look at his leg, which has a
red mark on it. "That looks like it hurts."
"It does!" Marco says. "And he didn't even say sorry!"
red mark on it. "That looks like it hurts."
"It does!" Marco says. "And he didn't even say sorry!"
"Oh, that must have upset you," Sarah says.
Marco nods vigorously. "It did!"
"That's too bad," Sarah says. "It sounded like you guys
were having fun out there."
were having fun out there."
Marco sighs. "We were. But then we both went for the
puck at the same time and he hit me right in the shin with
his stick! Well... I guess it was probably an accident. But it
still made me mad."
puck at the same time and he hit me right in the shin with
his stick! Well... I guess it was probably an accident. But it
still made me mad."
Sarah nods. "I can see that. But you seem a little calmer
now."
now."
"Yeah. Maybe I'll go back outside and play some
more. Thanks, mom."
more. Thanks, mom."
You know, in so many ways kids are just like adults...
sometimes they just want to vent and "get it out of their
When your child is upset and comes to you, make sure to
take a moment and really listen to what they're saying before you
jump in. Avoid passing judgment or contradicting your child
when they first start telling you what's bothering them; that way,
you won't put your child on the defensive. Plus, you'll give him or
her the opportunity to work through their own feelings,
which helps them calm down and gain better perspective of
what just happened.
sometimes they just want to vent and "get it out of their
systems" before they start thinking about solutions.
When your child is upset and comes to you, make sure to
take a moment and really listen to what they're saying before you
jump in. Avoid passing judgment or contradicting your child
when they first start telling you what's bothering them; that way,
you won't put your child on the defensive. Plus, you'll give him or
her the opportunity to work through their own feelings,
which helps them calm down and gain better perspective of
what just happened.
Anyway, that's it for today. You can find many more child-positive
parenting solutions at my website:
parenting solutions at my website:
Take care,
Dana
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